I was recently asked to list distractions in my life. To list distractions that were taking me away from the dream I have. I thought about this for a few moments and the list began…hmm well there’s Facebook of course, that can suck the life out of me. I listed other social media like Instagram, being late to the game but checking it way too often. I listed Bumble, the dating app which is like women shopping. That can consume tons of time from scrolling and swiping to then the rush of a match and then composing the witty texts to finally agreeing to meet to then meeting and then it’s back to swiping and the whole thing all over again. I can be distracted by current events and sports and relationships but what I’ve come to realize is that my biggest distraction are my anxieties. These damn things can take me out for days. They can so consume me that instead of working on my dreams coming true I’m working on just surviving and staying alive. They are my biggest distractions.

And it’s funny that list I just shared with you most all the times is a conduit for those anxieties to exist. I mean after all what is social media at times but a great way to compare myself to others and we all know what that gets me. And dating, a ball of ready made anxieties lurking around the corner. While these distractions at times yield happiness, they too often own me and not the other way around. I am constantly reacting to these things. I am not choosing what to feel or when to feel them. I am a victim.

And all this got me thinking to another dream that I had in my life some years ago. I came out to Los Angeles from NYC to become a successful and working actor. It was a dream. And I knew that in order to fulfill this dream I would need to decide what I was exposed to, what came into my life, what I would say no to and say yes to. For instance I didn’t have any interest in socializing with other actors, not wanting to hear their opinions and yes their anxieties of “The Business”. I didn’t socialize with industry people as I wanted it all to be clean, simply audition and get the part. And here is what I did-I put blinders on. I literally said to myself put your blinders on so you will not be distracted. When I went into auditions I chose not to sit in a waiting room where I could hear another actor auditioning for the same part in the next room. And these blinders lead me to beating the odds and having a successful run as an actor on tv and in film.

Now success and alcohol and drugs obliterated the very thing that got me where I wanted to go, but that’s another story. Blinders are very effective. If you think about it they put blinders on horses in order to limit their vision. They are by nature skittish animals, prone to anxiety like myself and these blinders protect them from being spooked by other horses or people or the environment around them. And for me these blinders give me a stronger sense of myself which is key in realizing that dream. They are an effective way of minimizing what is going on around me and in turn minimizing those anxieties which take me out of the game.

Now you might be thinking well you’re just putting your head in the sand, one needs to know what’s going on the world for one. I say the blinders let me choose when and how I will get that information. I will seek out that information, it will not seek out me. I will seek out the relationships I want they will not seek out me etc…I will keep the blinders on for a clear vision of that dream I am creating.

I like heights. I like being up high. Must mean something psychologically but I’ll leave that to someone else. Not important for my story. I always wondered what it would be like to fly in the air, nothing around me, unprotected, exposed. How better to experience it than by jumping out of a plane. This is a story about decisions. It’s also about doubts, and worry and fear. My first decision was to create this adventure, which meant find out where and how one could do such a thing. In California anything is possible. I soon made another decision despite fear and worry to get up early and drive to the desert where people were flying through the air after jumping out of perfectly good flying planes. I signed up and bravely told the folks there that I would like to jump out of a plane. They told me they could get me in the air in an hour or so with one of the instructors jumping tandem [tandem is where you are strapped in with a very experienced person and take the jump with them]. This is not why I am here I replied. I want to jump by myself [simply reinforcing my decision]. I was soon paired up with an instructor and we decided on the jump where my chute would automatically open about five seconds into the jump [yikes!, I made a decision to trust]. Then came the instruction- upon jumping, arch!!, there will be a camera on the wing and focus on that, how to steer once the chute is open and what to do if it doesn’t open or is tangled [yikes again!]. I paused and calmly asked him what makes you think I will have any presence of mind when flying through the air to remember anything you are now saying. He had no answer. The moment arrived. They packed a parachute onto my back, gave me a helmet and said hop into the plane. I crawled to the back of this very small plane and while we were airborne I tried to remember everything I was taught. Well this was too much thought for my brain as I began feeling overwhelmed and doubtful. I realized what would help would be to get right into this present moment. I smacked the helmet a few times to bring me back [recalling those old war movies where the grizzled sergeant would slap the frightened recruit out of his fear and get back to the job at hand]. Then it was time. I crawled to the opening of the plane. I sat down, my legs dangling in the air, one hand below me on my left the other up above on my right in a position to push off. My instructor told me he wouldn’t push me. I was where I always wanted to be and here is where the important part comes in; just doing it. I looked down and I suddenly got very afraid, thinking this is crazy I’m going to die. Then I made the most important decision of all-Don’t Think! You see thought wasn’t my friend, instinct was. I stopped thinking. The only thought or decision that I had was go, and I did. I was in the air arching and searching for that camera. Actually that was the only thought I had, remembering that would save me. I felt the air and the wind and I did have presence of mind and made the decision to focus. Soon [actually too soon as I was enjoying myself at this point] the chute opened I was jarred upward and I sailed through the sky. I was safe and actually enjoyed the ride and steered and remembered everything I was taught. It’s a story of decisions. It’s a story about doing it. How thoughts, except for the small, directed crucial ones never make things easier. I’m reminded of the five-second rule [not the one where food falls on the floor]. It says we have five seconds to do something. After that there’s too much thought and it becomes very difficult if not impossible. Here’s to four seconds and no thinking!

I want to believe in magic. Not the pull a rabbit out of a hat type of magic. I don’t care much for magicians, illusionists, tarot card readings, fortune tellers or any other sort of hocus pocus. I want to believe in magic that is available to me everyday.

I recently had an incident happen where I wear my father’s dog tag that he wore while serving in WW2. I went out for a run one day and when I returned home I noticed the chain was broken and the tag gone. Finding it again would be nearly impossible as I cover a lot of ground and sand at the beach on my runs. A few days later I went for a run again. I changed my course a bit for some reason and I suddenly came upon a shiny object on the road. It was the tag, bent in half probably from a car but I had it again. I wear it with a much sturdier chain now.

What were the chances of finding it? Not very good, however it came back to me. Now, I can chalk that up to coincidence or even luck, but what is luck? I don’t think anyone knows. It’s mysterious, magical. What’s coincidence? A chance happening, luck? Possibly magic.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. I was living a life of a slow death. I survived it and continue to. My chances were statistically very poor of pulling through in one piece. Statistics said I would be dead or permanently injured from an overdose or some sort of car accident. So I can choose to see my life as magical. I’m living proof of it.

And you know I can be completely wrong. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason for anything, however my life is much better when I make the choice to believe in miracles. It all is just a matter of where I put my attention. My habit is to look in the direction of darkness-I can’t, it won’t happen, never, no, I’m too [fill in the blank], I’m not enough, don’t have what it takes etc…But what if I looked in the direction that there are things happening beyond my notice or comprehension. That I’m proof that there are miracles. Really all I have to do is look down at the chain around my neck. Hey it’s Friday or it’s a fuckin miracle-where am I looking?